(GoAnimate Crackfic) Doris Kills Mariah Carey
by CoolCat9
Summary: I was at the store yesterday and I got angry. My anger was turned into this fic. Caillou's mom gets sick of hearing Christmas music at the store and does obvious things. Takes place in Goanimate continuity. Oneshot crackfic.


Caillou's mom is at the VERY BIG STORE shopping for Christmas crap. She remembered the time Caillou threw a huge temper tantrum at this very store trying to get free samples. Thankfully her son was banned and is currently grounded grounded grounded until further notice. However a new menace was lurking around the corner.

As Doris was waiting in line for a turkey or something, a cover of Mariah Carey's "All I want for Christmas is You" started playing over the P.A.

"What the? That's the fifth time that song played," said Doris.

Then "Santa Baby" came on.

"Damn it! That's the fourth time that song played! And that's not even appropriate for children!" Doris said.

Then "My Favorite Things" started playing.

"OH FOR FUCKS SAKE!" said Doris in Macusoper's voice, "THAT ISN'T EVEN A FUCKING CHRISTMAS SONG! IF I HEAR IT AGAIN I'LL FIND THE PEOPLE WHO RUN THE RADIO AND ILL SNAP THEIR FUCKING NECKS!"

"Did you just say you were going to snap someone's neck?" Another person in line said.

"No," Doris reaffirmed. Suddenly an idea flew into her head.

"That's it! I'll kill Mariah Carey and put an end to terrible Christmas songs!" Doris randomly said. It was said audibly and no one heard. Forgetting the turkey, Doris ran offscreen and got in her car.

Little did Doris know that Mariah Carey actually was behind every crap Christmas song and the stores playing them, Because GoAnimate logic.

(Meanwhile at a Mariah Carey concert that is being held for some reason)

There were a handful of people sitting in the mostly empty bleachers. Two people seated next to each other started chatting.

"That bitch is late AGAIN," said one.

"I know. She's as late as fuck," said the other, "I'm only here to slam my misery into her."

"Oh hey, look! There she is!"

Mariah Carey came on stage and started singing.

"THIS-TEXT TO-SPEECH, IS FOR DEMONSTRATION PURPOSES ONLY. ONLY! SANTA BABY! COME ON DOWN THE CLITTY FOR ME!" The stupid pop star sang.

"YOU SUCK!" yelled the crowd.

(A half hour of ear torture later...)

"You do not have a valid verification file. Please contact our sales support team to obtain a valid license. Thank you all. I'll now perform my best hit "All I Want For Christmas is You"!" said Mariah Carey. Doris had just managed to reach the concert and had now walked onto the stage. She had a gun in hand.

"NOT ANYMORE!" Doris said.

"Thanks for using vocalware. You need to contact our support team to obtain a valid verification file. Ha ha ha, do you think you can stop me? Christmas zit-pop songs will entertain people for many Christmases to come! You will never stop me. Ha ha ha ha!" Mariah Carey said.

With that, Doris pointed the gun at Carey's throat and pulled the trigger. An explosion effect appeared over Carey's throat.

"This is not free text-to-speech software. Get a license you asshole. AKK AARRRGHHH!" Mariah Carey screamed. Soon she started sounding like the grandmother from Rapsittie Street Kids (with a nag to get the website to renew their vocalware license, of course) and then her voice dissolved into stock gurgling sfx as her larynx pulled itself apart. Doris then shot Carey in the head and then in the crotch. Mariah Carey then fell to the stage floor with a smile on her face, meaning she was dead.

"Yes! I killed Mariah Carey!" Doris said.

"Holy crap, Mariah Carey is dead!" said someone in the audience, "It's about time she kicked the bucket! Now I'm free from that hoe's influence! I can stop telling people to make covers of crappy Christmas songs, and I'll tell every radio station that Christmas Songs 24/7 is extinct! Thank you lady for saving us! It's a true Christmas miracle!"

(Meanwhile at Caillou's house)

"Can I come out now?" The bratty half-pint said through his door.

"No," Boris said, "you are still grounded." Caillou's father went downstairs.

"I wonder what's on the news today" he said as he turned on the TV.

"This just in. Caillou's mom went to Mariah Carey's concert and killed Mariah Carey. Thanks to her actions, the radios have been freed from her influence and have stopped playing those annoying Christmas songs," said the news anchor. Boris looked surprised and Doris came through the front door.

"Hi honey!" said Doris.

"Doris, did you kill Mariah Carey?" asked Boris.

"Yes I did," said Doris, "you angry? Gonna ground me for a long time?"

"No," said Boris, "NO ONE liked Mariah Carey and NO ONE liked those stupid Christmas songs over the radio. It's about time that bitch expired! I'm so happy I'm going to unground Caillou."

And so Caillou was ungrounded.

(So yeah, this Christmas story sucks but at least it's better than Rapsittie Street Kids!)


End file.
